Arhivă pentru iulie, 2013

Posted: iulie 27, 2013 in Adult life

Nu imi regret trecutul, nu regret locul pierdut, vezi tu? Nu regret nici macar ca tiza mea are tupeul de a lua locul ce mi-a apartinut timp de 10 ani. Ma dezgusta, ma infurie si poate ca pana la urma ma amuza cat de jos pot cobori unii. Istoria se repeta: acelasi nume, aceeasi varsta, aceeasi situatie. Dar variabilele sunt mai multe de atat. Eu nu sunt ea, ea nu are cum sa fie eu. Deci ii las locul…din decembrie e al ei, nu mai e loc de intoarcere (nu imi sta in fire sa trec in urma scursurilor, mi-e teama de pete si de infectii).

Sa fie asta ultima plangere, ultima insulta. Sa imi vad de noua viata, de fericirea pe care o construim cu mainile noastre…nu ni s-a dat nimic pe tava.

Ne-am luptat cu noi insine si cu lumea, cu prejudecatile. Stiu ca o sa trebuiasca sa o facem in continuare. Stiu ca o sa trebuiasca sa evoluez si sa inchid cu un sut puternic, si usa asta. Dar o sa o facem. Pas cu pas, ne ocupam de noi. Una de cealalta. Am reusit sa raman in viata, si asta e datorita unei singure persoane, ce stie sa ma sustina in continuare si e convinsa ca nu merita sa fac toate „nimicurile” pentru ea*.

Avem o camera, un balcon… o sa renuntam la ele in curand, dar profitam pe cat putem. Uneori suntem singure pe lume, suntem doar noi. Cliché.

Dimineata. Cafea. Tigari. Rasarit. Teza. Regasire. Placere.





*”stiu ca atunci cand o femeie da de un barbat care o raneste, e normal sa nu mai vrea sa aiba de-a face cu barbatii.” Fraza a fost auzita sub diverse forme, in diverse ocazii. Nu e adevarat. Trauma nu are de-a face in toata povestea asta. Sunt constienta de alegerea mea. Am ales fericirea, multumesc.



Posted: iulie 7, 2013 in Criptat

Am de lucru. Sau ar trebui sa am. In schimb, ma preocupa gandurile mele si incerc, nu sa invoc trecutul, punandu-l pe hartie, cat incerc sa il scriu si sa il las acolo unde e. Uneori iese.

Tabula rasa

You hated my hair, one way or another.
She now has what you want.
You hated my voice. I loved hearing yours.
Her childish whimper seems to please you.
You hated my clothes, nothing seemed good enough for you.
Inadequate as they may be, she has the right thing for your greedy eyes.
You hated my looks, I came to understand.
The greed in everybody else’s eyes must excite you so.
You hated my guts. I dared to criticize, to complain, to dislike loudly.
And you hated I had an opinion I could voice.
Your own lack of guts gets along so well with hers,
you’re both a sham.
You hated my fears, my inferiority complex, my nightmares, the threats I took for granted, my regrets.
Shallow, isn’t she?
Now you love to serve and protect,
and not throw in the trash the trembling one.
You hated my sincerity.
It’s better to say „black” when you think „white”,
to stab in the back when no one is looking,
to hit when the other one’s down,
to lie and deceive.
You ought to be pleased now. Façade.

You’ve made the worst of me, you’re tearing me apart.
Toying with your power, you want me weak,
you’re shaming me.
I feel guilty and distressed.
You got what you wanted, staying in shadows all along.
I had no patience, you said.
Look at it now, all that I took in, all these years.

Won’t you miss me,
miss all I knew (think of the Klan)
miss all I did (it would please you once)
miss all I was and you kicked away
miss all you loved about me?

Who are you, stranger? Slipping away from my sheets.
Who are you in the shadows? Bravely trying to put me down.
Who are you, son of man?
Who, what were you?
I know you no more, I fear you no longer.



Play me, oh, play me.
Cut my wings and watch me crawl.
Burn my feathers and let me fall.
Push me down to the ground,
step on me, squeeze me tight,
make the soil embrace me.
Take my air and ask me to laugh.
Cut my strings and make me walk.
Hit me hard,
fly me into oblivion,
mix up north and south for me.
Pull my veins and braid them nicely,
ask me if I lost my cold blood.
Pin me up on your wall,
like a prize you’d love to have,
forget me there, never dust me.
Drop me dead, check my pulse.
Hit me, am I still moving?
Lay me down,
I’ll be your first victim.
Silence me down and move to the next one.